I’m trying really hard to not freak out about the fact my body is all ‘mm, food!’ and my mind ISNT all ‘dream on!’
A few days of ‘mm, food!’ and I’m now back at my voluntary job almost with as much confidence and motivation as before. Oh, and strength. The new dog I’m working with is energetic, strong, and strong minded. I need to be all of those three and more if I am going to be able to help him feel better about life. What I dont need to be is Xlbs which is the anorexias target, not mine.
Its a couple of weeks before I start skype sessions with the ED specialist and I am really having to fight the wish/need to use these last weeks as the ‘final goodbye’ to the anorexia. The last hit of starvation. The last hit of weight loss. I have been here before, waiting for ED therapy, and I know its pointless to just lose more weight you will have to put on again.
There is a lady in our village who is quite obviously emaciated. It is really triggering because I see her walking often whilst I’m driving to and fro. Cat was in the car once when we saw her and I remarked that my sick brain almost sees THAT as a goal. She said that if I walked around in leggings I wouldn’t look that far off, but I never wear tight clothes. The thing is, I dont know if Cat is exaggerating or if she just doesn’t see me like I do. I see fat. Even now, I see fat. And not in the typical cartoon image of a woman with anorexia standing in front of the mirror way. In the realistic I am a woman and I have fatty curves way. It makes me feel sick in my throat to see squidgy bits on me at the moment. Trying to focus on there being more to life though. Even if most the time I wish there wasn’t.