Every now and then we find that the colour green follows us around menacingly. I’ve never really understood why but I think I know the answer to that mystery now, sort of.
I got into the therapy room today and I was incredibly restless. I was fidgeting. Anxious. Feeling really highly strung. I kept saying I don’t know why I am like this, I don’t feel connected to you and I don’t know why. We were due to have lunch together again like last week but I knew it wasn’t just that.
“Did you have a nasty dream about me?”
“Have you been worrying about the therapy process all weekend?”
“Perhaps it is something I’m wearing”.
That was when the panic attack hit me. Cats top had a celtic symbol on it that she was worried about, but it wasn’t that, it was that her top was green.
“You’ve said this before, what does the colour green mean to you?”
It’s a message
“What is the message?”
That I am going to get hurt… … witches faces are green, you know, and when you feel sick people say your face is green too… faces are not supposed to be green
“And I’m wearing green eye-liner too, I am sorry”
Cat put her grey jumper on to cover the green but honestly, if we could have ripped her green top off we would have done. It felt so threatening. I couldn’t touch her because of it, I couldn’t abide the thought that the green was still touching her skin even though she had it mostly covered up.
Other than a repetitive hallucination as a teen I don’t fully understand where the connection has come from between witches having green faces, and green being a message of future harm. True the mother had a witch persona but I can’t imagine her dressing up to THAT degree – but then I don’t have ten years of amnesia for nothing.
Thankfully, with Cats gentle voice reminding us that she is safe, even if she is wearing a green top, the panic disappeared and the connection between us was suddenly the biggest thing in the room again. Through this connection we were able to eat the lunch Cat had prepared for us (I sat behind her this time, she didn’t need to go out the room- progress!) AND I was able to tell her about a physical health concern I have at the moment AND let her see it. This is pretty huge for us, because it meant exposing a part of my body that people never see (um, just my leg). But the most healing part of the session was the long hug at the end, reconnecting again with her heartbeat, her heart, where she says that I am.