Todays lunch with Cat: homemade butternut squash and sweetcorn soup with marmite, pumpkin seed and parmesan bread. OM NOM!
Lunch was delicious today but a little rushed unfortunately as I spent the whole of the session first crying my heart out (sometimes just inside but it eventually bubbled outside too).
Through Cats generosity I am beginning to feel what it is like to be a child wholly accepted and loved unconditionally, to be in someones heart 24/7 and in their thoughts hourly, to be wanted, special, and to have my needs respected at all times. Cat said she sees us as her foster child now (obviously not in the way the social services view ‘foster’ as I am not biologically under 18 nor living with her) and that is all I have ever wanted, is to be fostered.
However, and today this felt like a big however, it is thoroughly true that nothing, absolutely nothing, can take away the huge hole left over from a childhood dictated by all encompassing abuse. As I blubbered to Cat today “I will never be that child who gets to walk around in pyjamas on a saturday morning, I will never be that child who gets to sleep in mums bed when poorly, I will never be that child who wakes mum up after a nightmare…” The past is never going to change from what it was, I’m never going to be ‘mothered’ in that way, ever. “This is all I ever had, this is all I will ever have” I said as tears dropped onto a picture of my mother taken at the weekend.
Cat does a lot for me, a heck of a lot, which is probably why she ended up in tears herself. She said it breaks her heart that no matter what we do she can’t take the past away from me. She can feed me, hug me, call me everyday, take me out places, come to doctors appointments with me, buy me gifts, and all the rest… but that therapy work that is at the core of our relationship will still be there. I will still be an adult survivor of child abuse trying to have some sort of relationship with the incredibly dysfunctional family I was raised in.
I am lucky to have a therapist/foster mum/friend (whatever you want to call her) who knows that despite the pain that comes with a set up like this, it works. I am lucky to have someone who isn’t going to pull back, but who also isn’t going to try and give any more than she is able to. Yes it probably will always sting when I can hear her kid yelling ‘MUM’ when I’m on the phone. But I look at my life now and compare it to what it was before Cat came into my life and I know this was the best thing to ever happen to me, no question.
I have been switching lately into a part who typically never fronts. I have been switching into her so much recently that she has started a blog of her own.
Cat and I think the reason for this switching was to keep me away from the feelings of today. Whilst this part is around Cat can do no right, we reject her, distrust her, yell at her. Keeping her at such a distance that I don’t have to love her and deal with all the conflict and confusion that comes along with that. It was this part who literally stopped us going to our appointment on Friday.
Still, now all of these feelings are finally in my conscious awareness, and whilst it is painful it is indeed bittersweet. For years I made the same wish secretly to myself “please can I be fostered” and in a way that wish has come true. My tears and pain today though is apparently inevitable for someone who finds themselves with a foster family - I’m grateful to have this, but why am I not worth the full package?