Tags
agoraphobia, anxiety, DID, memories, mental illness, OCD, panic, social anxiety, social phobia, toilet phobia
Toilet phobia: there is more to it than meets the eye.
There are a few types of anxiety that come under the umbrella of toilet phobia.
1. A fear of certain types of toilets/germs associated with toilets – a specific phobia/OCD.
2. A fear of toileting where you can be heard aka paruresis/parcopresis – a social anxiety manifestation.
3. A fear of losing control of your bladder/bowels (one or both) when out and not near a toilet - an agoraphobic manifestation.
Personally, ever since I can remember, I have had the agoraphobic manifestation. I have a fear of losing control of my bladder (not bowels) which has affected my life in a big way.
I remember being 10 and not being able to go pick a hamster as a pet because the 20 minute car journey into town was too risky.
I remember at the last year of primary school a voice in my mind told me I had to go to the toilet at 2pm every day or I’d lose control.
I remember every time I left the house I would continuously tense my pelvic muscles because I didn’t trust that they were strong enough.
The toilet phobia was the reason for my isolation in the family ‘home’ before the emetophobia came along and joined it at age 11.
Then I had the both of them to contend with. PLUS ‘pure’ social phobia. Safe to say I was a ball of nerves.
Aged 11 I was wearing sanitary towels believing they would act like a nappy should I have an accident outside.
Aged 11 I was praying to my internal mum alter every time I left the house: “please don’t make me be sick or need the toilet whilst I’m out – ill do it when I get back I promise”.
Aged 11 I paid £8 for entrance into a museum just to use their toilets.
Aged 11 I was home alone whilst my family went out to visit relatives who lived 10 minutes away.
Aged 11 (and onwards) I declined every single social event with friends.
Aged 11 (and onwards) I severely restricted my fluid intake often leading to dehydration.
The word ‘picnic’ makes me sweat.
The word ‘walk’ makes me panic.
The word ‘travel’ makes me hide.
Then to top it all off an added element was thrown in. I became phobic of letting anyone know I needed the toilet. I had to rely on my mother needing to go and then tagging along.
I have a distinct memory and I have no idea how old I am but I think it’s less than 11. I was (very unusually) at a theatre with family and I managed to tell my dad that I needed the toilet but he wouldn’t let me go. We got to the station to train ride it home and I told him again. He became exasperated and dragged me by the arm up over the platform yelling at me that if I make him miss the train there will be hell to pay. I have no idea how this situation ended. I didn’t even need to go. It was just anxiety.
The toilet phobia still restricts me now though I’m a bit more rational and trust myself a bit more.
But to highlight how it is still a problem for me the first time I saw Cat, my therapist, I had to very shamefully get her to show me where the toilets were, and told her to assume without me asking that after every single session I will be going in there. When I do go in there I (younger parts of me) cry; every single time.
To top THIS all off (and I think I’ve earnt another courageous confessional award for this post) I have a 2 year old alter who when he fully switches into the body will not let us use the toilet. He gets triggered by people being in the bathroom so we can’t get in there. Or by being stuck in a room emotionally unable to get out. (Happens to us often when I am in a re-traumatised state).
I really want to come to understand the origins of this fear. I think it is very significant. But at the moment all I can see is symptoms. Not causes. I want to find the cause. Maybe then we will be free of this toileting fear/obsession. (Never before has fear and obsession seemed so linked before).
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Anxiety UK has a very good PDF booklet on toilet phobia which you can read here: http://www.anxietyuk.org.uk/wp-content/custom/legacy-docs/TP_booklet.pdf
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I know all this stuff already but again it’s horrible to see it all in black and white *massive cuddles*
I love you baby, and you know if I can ever help you with any of this I will <3 <3 <3
A lot of those things I haven’t admitted before. It’s freeing but has put me in quite a vulnerable position. X
very informative. i lost my bladder at 28 do to IC, which in short causes extreme frequency, if feels like you have a never ending bladder infection but you don’t..bladder shrunk and ulcerated. it was supposed to be better after the surgery, and it is worse…still extreme frequency. i have to be severely dehydrated to go anywhere and that might buy me 15. mins. before i need a washroom. first thing i find anywhere i go is a washroom. it’s why i can’t work. somebody told me this whole thing could stem from the abuse i went through…ugh it sucks…i’m sorry you struggle so as well. i know as a kid, i would say i had to go to the bathroom to get away from my father…
Wow. Thanks for sharing. That sounds so intense to deal with. I have never had a bladder infection but I’ve seen what it does to other people so I know what you are describing there and I’m so sorry to hear it. To think that this could be caused by your abuse just makes me so angry. Physical scars/emotional scars the lot of it – is just unfair. You are so brave. I really mean it xx
thank you Bourbon! it is unfair, but i have to try to make the best of it..the panic of going anywhere because of it used to be extreme, and cause my Hubby panic too..now i seem to just go out and not think of it as much, or at least not panic. you too are a brave soul!!
I guess panic subsides when we get used to things. Im glad you have reached a point of not feeling bogged down by it all. Xx
I know how big a deal this is to you – both in terms of how this impacts your life and also in terms of how brave you are in revealing this about yourself. Yes, in my book you certainly do deserve another courageous confessional award because that’s exactly what this is.
I admire you so much for your bravery in tackling/discussing these, and applaud how well you have done to overcome it as much as you have done. I know how much it still affects your day to day life, but you’ve made such progress in the impact it can have on you, and you deserve great credit for that. With your emetophobia, I know the Witch can instigate anxiety within you and torture you with those fears. Does a similar thing happen with this phobia as well? Is it used as a weapon against you?
I can’t imagine a life contending with the things that you have to contend with. I think you’re incredibly strong (but then, you knew that already I think).
xx
No. I don’t have a toilet phobia enforcer in alter terms. Luckily!! This phobia is therefore felt as much less menacing and more just a pain in the bum. Good question though! X
Thanks for sharing this with us. I wasn’t sure what it all entailed. My daughter was abused more than once by her father when she went to the bathroom and the toilet overflowed. It wasn’t her fault at all. But even now that she is 25, she will not flush the toilet at all. I don’t know if that does along with toilet phobia, I would say it would. I am interested also in what buckwheatsrisk said about frequency. I also have that problem and a constant feeling that I have to go even when I really don’t. I rush to the toilet about ever 10-15 mins. I have never talked to a doctor about it. I am always afraid they will think I am making a big deal out of nothing. But it does cause me a lot of stress, especially when I go out. I have to dehydrate myself too or I will have to go the whole time.
This is something I am going to look into more. But I hate it for you that you must go through this stressful illness. God bless you for sharing. I pray that you will find a way to cure this and get out from under this pressure.
I think it’s super important that you go see your doctor about the constant urges. I’m sure they hear it a lot of women; especially those who have given birth. They certainly aren’t going to think you’re making a mountain out of a mole hill. I can’t imagine how debilitating it must be to have to physically be tied to a toilet like that. Thanks for sharing also about your daughter. That is really sad that she is still scared to flush a toilet because of what happened to her. I’m sure it does come under toilet phobia though very clearly related to trauma. Thanks for sharing all this. Has helped me in feeling I haven’t just poured out my heart to the public and made myself look silly! X
oh of course you don’t look silly. I have been reading a lot about my problem with the urges. I have pressure all the time too. I thought it was my nerves for a long time. There are a lot of people suffering the same problem as me and they aren’t getting any answers from their docs. But I will ask. I tell private stuff all the time. If you can’t do it here, where else can you right?
Exactly
good luck with your investigations. Hope you get somewhere with it all. X
Thank you for all the information and for sharing this with us. xx
No worries. Thought it about time I be open about something that is surprisingly common but people generally aren’t open about it- for obvious reasons. Gotta break that British snobbery! Thanks for reading x
Oh Bourbon, this whole entry is so brave of you. I’m also impressed with your organizational way of telling it, it’s so comprehensible. You are so strong.
We actually have something of toilet phobia, though it doesn’t relate to bladder stuff. It’s…other stuff (like…gas and sound related stuff and such).
Our father was very insistent that we be “a lady” and if he ever heard anything…otherwise, he would get furiously upset.
It taught us to only ever use a public toilet (or the toilet at his house) if we knew 100% we only had to urinate. If there was any possibility of anything else (even simple gas release), we won’t go until we are alone in a whole house. Usually our mother’s house.
We don’t really talk about this. I’m sorry- it’s certainly extremely inappropriate.
You are as always, an amazing inspiration to us <3
-Claire
I don’t think it’s inappropriate at all to talk about this stuff. Your father made you feel you had to hide something that is human nature — that kinda sets the program to feeling you have to consequently hide everything but this can be broken. What he did – just unthinkably irrational and emotionally v abusive. I’m sorry I hope I’m not over stepping boundaries but I’m sensitive when it comes to this stuff. Claire – I thank you for sharing and hope you hold your head up high. X
The head’s supposed to be high? Hm. We’ll have to try that
Thanks for your thoughts- they aren’t overstepping at all.
Thank you so much for this post, Bourbon. I’ve always had the agoraphobic manifestation, but I thought that was just me until now!
In the last five years or so, I’ve developed really severe irritable bowel disease, which only makes it worse. They’re probably connected – IBD is thought, in part and in some sufferers, to be connected to mental health – but again, I didn’t think of it until now.
So thank you for sharing. I may be glad I’m not alone, but I’m sorry that you’ve had to live with all of this – the toilet-phobia itself, and the reasons that led to it. I too hope you can work out what they are so that you can all process them, and hopefully find some relief.
Thanks again
Take care
Karen xox
Hi Karen. Good to hear from you. I’m sorry you can relate but it is comforting to be able to connect with like minded people. I was once a member of a yahoo group that was dedicated to toilet phobia. To see messages from people exclaiming the same fears I was was quite unbelievable. I always thought I was the only one too! IBS is definitely related to mental stress. I know whn it’s therapy days by how my bowels are for example!! Take care Karen, think a lot of you and thank you for sharing x
Thanks hun, I think a lot of you too. I’m glad we found each other
xxx
This is all good information. I have a slight toilet phobia, I think. I don’t have a problem using public restrooms, but if someone else is in the restroom, I can’t go because I don’t want anywhere to hear. I think they’ll believe that it sounds like I didn’t really need to go. I go to the bathroom quite a bit. My family would also scoff at me for going to the toilet too often. They’d be mad because I’d be the one who needed to stop for toilet breaks during long car trips. Nowadays I let myself stop whenever I feel I need the bathroom b/c I’m so glad I can do that when I drive myself. It’s also much harder for me to go when I know someone’s waiting for me.
Hey Angel, I’m so sorry I haven’t replied to this sooner…. I didn’t see it pop up here! Yes now that I have a car and drive myself places the anxiety is so much better because it is on my terms. I can relate to that a lot. Thanks for sharing. I like the fact people can relate and not hiding it away here xx
Just came to your post from mine and it’s so brave of you to talk about this too. I am EXACTLY the same. I’m sorry to hear that one of your alters prevents you from going to the toilet, that must be very stressful. I also do so many of the things that you speak about, like tissue/sanitary towel thinking that somehow it would help me in the instance that I’m somewhere I can go.
Picnics/walks/outings etc also fill me with fear. I have also paid a lot of money to go into a toilet, just to find out it was anxiety. It’s crippling and I completely empathise. x