Today marks a year since I travelled 4 hours to the Pottergate Centre for trauma and dissociation to be assessed with a SCID-D for a dissociative disorder by Remy Aquarone and a psychiatrist.
Me: who can’t travel for more than half an hour without anxiety and panic and therefore avoids doing so like the plague. That just shows how desperate I was to get some validation for the extent of what was starting to become uncovered in my head; validation the NHS refused to give.
It may seem weird to some; to celebrate a year since receiving a diagnosis but meeting Remy and having him say those words: “there is no doubt in my mind that you have DID” was a true gift. It meant I was given permission to finally stop fighting what was going on inside and really start to listen and work with what was being presented to me. It meant I wasn’t going completely insane. I wasn’t just making things up. “I” became “we” and it suddenly just felt right, after years of feeling wrong.
Actually coming face to face with Remy was exhausting. It was as if the alters knew that he could see them. They all perked up scrabbling for attention; Remy didn’t have just one pair of eyes on him and one set of ears he had many. Far more than I even knew at the time. After seeing him came a period of mourning where I had to constantly remind the little’s that we wouldn’t be seeing him again. I made them a promise that I wouldn’t stop until I found us a therapist who would understand them as much as Remy did. (I kept my promise)
Remy’s final report that confirms the DID diagnosis documents just a handful of the alters that I am aware of now. Since that day I have thrown myself into uncovering every single member of my system who deep down wants to be known. I have read 20 books on dissociation/DID which helped give me ideas on how to begin and maintain communication with the insiders; and how to all begin the process of living together like a happy-ish family.
Just last night I had the appearance of someone new who I believe to be one of the backwards facing alters as that is the image I got upon hearing their extremely creepy voice: “who are you?” I answered their question and asked my own question. They tried to talk back to me but I failed to understand it. They seem to be so far away by the time the words reach me they are a proper word salad.
But this is just yet another challenge I have ahead of me for the year ahead. I have already shown myself that in just a year I can make immense progress with regards to the DID. I am excited to see what the next year will bring; especially now I have the pleasure of working with a therapist who actually knows what she is doing (rare to find!).
Happy Anniversary to me and DID.