Tags
alters, assessment, backwards facing alters, diagnosis, DID, dissociation, Dissociative disorder, dissociative identity disorder, Pottergate Centre, SCID-D, validation
Today marks a year since I travelled 4 hours to the Pottergate Centre for trauma and dissociation to be assessed with a SCID-D for a dissociative disorder by Remy Aquarone and a psychiatrist.
Me: who can’t travel for more than half an hour without anxiety and panic and therefore avoids doing so like the plague. That just shows how desperate I was to get some validation for the extent of what was starting to become uncovered in my head; validation the NHS refused to give.
It may seem weird to some; to celebrate a year since receiving a diagnosis but meeting Remy and having him say those words: “there is no doubt in my mind that you have DID” was a true gift. It meant I was given permission to finally stop fighting what was going on inside and really start to listen and work with what was being presented to me. It meant I wasn’t going completely insane. I wasn’t just making things up. “I” became “we” and it suddenly just felt right, after years of feeling wrong.
Actually coming face to face with Remy was exhausting. It was as if the alters knew that he could see them. They all perked up scrabbling for attention; Remy didn’t have just one pair of eyes on him and one set of ears he had many. Far more than I even knew at the time. After seeing him came a period of mourning where I had to constantly remind the little’s that we wouldn’t be seeing him again. I made them a promise that I wouldn’t stop until I found us a therapist who would understand them as much as Remy did. (I kept my promise)
Remy’s final report that confirms the DID diagnosis documents just a handful of the alters that I am aware of now. Since that day I have thrown myself into uncovering every single member of my system who deep down wants to be known. I have read 20 books on dissociation/DID which helped give me ideas on how to begin and maintain communication with the insiders; and how to all begin the process of living together like a happy-ish family.
Just last night I had the appearance of someone new who I believe to be one of the backwards facing alters as that is the image I got upon hearing their extremely creepy voice: “who are you?” I answered their question and asked my own question. They tried to talk back to me but I failed to understand it. They seem to be so far away by the time the words reach me they are a proper word salad.
But this is just yet another challenge I have ahead of me for the year ahead. I have already shown myself that in just a year I can make immense progress with regards to the DID. I am excited to see what the next year will bring; especially now I have the pleasure of working with a therapist who actually knows what she is doing (rare to find!).
Happy Anniversary to me and DID.
Happy Anniversary. I know what you mean, it’s a relief to actually have someone tell you that there is a reason for the way you’re feeling! x
Exactly! Glad you understand. Thank you =) xx
It’s been a long and rocky road to get to where you are now from where you were. Some highs, some lows. Some times of peace and joy, others of terror and hardship. But you have kept on chugging along, as you always always do.
I couldn’t be more proud of you. Each and every day.
xx
Thank you. And from the bottom of my heart, thank you for being there with me through all this as close as you have been. It has been a great help xx
Happy anniversary! I am glad you got some answers. xxx
Thank you lovely xxx
Happy anniversary! I don’t think it’s strange to celebrate at all – a diagnosis means you can get help and that like you said, it is real. I’m so glad you found Cat, and wish you lots of luck for the next year! You’re doing so well, and even in the short time I’ve “known” you, you have achieved so much… I’m so proud and happy to be able to call you my friend!
xxx
Aww, thank you so much Ellie. It means a lot when people say they are proud of me because I think that is a really “parental” thing to say only my parents never said it to me so I feel I kinda missed out on hearing those words. Thank you xxx
Sorry you missed out on that, but we are all proud of you here!! <3 xxx
Doesn’t sound strange to me at all, I can really relate to the sense of relief at being ‘seen’ given a diagnosis etc. I haven’t had the courage to make the journey you did yet so I admire you very much for doing that. I also fear ‘what if the answer is ‘no, your experience is not DID’ and therefore what am I, with my many inner voices, my rich inner landscape and the facets that make getting through a single day such a task in sheer survival. So you were brave enough to go thruogh with that and I salute you.
I’m interested to know if you have had further dealings with the NHS since having the official diagnosis and how they have responded. My limited experience with the NHS has shown they simply don’t know how to deal with me as I don’t fit their convenient pigeon holes.
Anyway, Happy Anniversary and your tremendous courage in the search for who and how you all are.
I also feared the answer being “no”. But deep deep down I knew the answer would be “yes” and that kept me going. I’d done enough reading and relating to people to really come to understand what was going on. I just felt I needed a specialist to confirm it.
I was still under NHS services when I got the diagnosis. I was then transferred to a care coordinator who had no belief in DID whatsoever and basically told me to stop acting like a child. I refused to see that care coordinator again. They then went to put me into 2 years of psychotherapy but I refused when the psychologist refused to answer whether she believes in DID herself. I didn’t want to risk it. I caved and went to private almost straight away.
I’m sorry you’re having a negative experience with the NHS way of doing things. Unfortunately, I am really not surprised. Email me, or of course comment here, if you want to talk about it in more detail xxx
Thanks for replying. I still think it was very brave of you to do it and how rotten that the NHS workers were so unsupportive. Might try and write more in a mail sometime. Got so many rats nests in my brain just now I daren’t poke too many more just now by pondering on going for an assessment. It always causes massive internal unrest – insert rolleyes smiley here if I knew how to do it
There is so much positivity in this post. I hope i can reach this level of acceptance a year down the line. Congratulations on all you’ve achieved in that year, and being able to recognise those achievements. Here’s hoping the next year brings even more understanding and healing
xxx
Thank you. My therapist read this blog this morning and I think was a little surprised that considering I’d just written a positive post, why was I in such a bad mood! ^.^ xx
It was a relief when I found out too–I was diagnosed just a couple months before you. I felt like I was losing it, and when my therapist suggested DUD, I rejected it. I was not THAT broken. But I finally agreed, after a hospitalization where multiple people saw me switching a lot, to do a diagnostic consult with a DID expert. He, like Remy, told me with certainty that I had DID, and it turned out to be a relief.
I’m glad you have more answers now and have found a good therapist.
Thanks so much. I’m glad the process of diagnosis has proved helpful to you too. I didn’t realise we had been diagnosed around the same time. Was it the SCID-D the DID expert did with you? xx
I don’t think he did any structured sort of test, unless he just had it all in his head. He did ask very specific questions, so it could be. He also talked to my family and my treatment team.
Happy anniversary!
I can understand that the diagnosis itself already helped you a lot to understand what is going on and to have a name for it. It really must have been relieving. I’m happy that you have Cat now. I’m sure you’ll make a lot of progress again this year. xx
I’m sure too. Thank you very much
xxx
You must have such relief. The truth does set us free. Praying for your continued journey.
Exactly. The truth sets us free. I couldn’t put it better myself with regards to this situation. Thank you so much xx
I see this as a positive too. Happy Anniversary. You’ve done amazing work. Love and hugs.
Thank you very much. Love and hugs back xx
Happy Anniversary!! I think it’s wonderful to celebrate the day that truth prevailed!
You’ve made so much progress in one year. You should be proud.I know we are proud of you.
(Hugs)
Thank you =D I think I am proud of us
((hugs back)) xx
Happy Anniversary! I am happy you were able to find a place that affirmed what you knew about yourself. It’s not easy finding a therapist willing to admit they believe in DID, never mind having them diagnose it!
I think for myself I just wanted to avoid the trauma of dealing with therapists who think it’s better to normalize the diagnosis. But I am glad you have someone to work with who affirms your thoughts and feelings, rather than trying to put you into some other more ‘acceptable’ less controversial diagnosis.
Happy 1 year diagnosis anniversary!
Thank you
Luckily I already knew the guy who diagnosed me believes in it as his whole practice is based around it! xx
I wish there were more like him around! You’re in the U.K.? Do you think there’s more acceptance for DID there than elsewhere? It doesn’t get much support here in Canada but there are a few therapists in the country who treat it. It would be nice if there were more though
Congratulations on your one-year anniversary!
It sounds like you’ve come a long way in this time and I believe that you can continue moving forward in positive steps.
Yes, moving forward is definitely on the cards
Thank you xx
Congratulations. Soooo proud of how far you have come in just a year.
Well done for being brave enough to do the journey that I’m sure was really difficult.
I’m interested to hear more about this backwards facing alter as you find out more about them, any idea if they are male or female?
Well done again
x x
Lol Nicky, you were the only one who picked up on that. Even my therapist didn’t
I don’t know anything about the alter that spoke, gender included. I wish I could have kept communication with them up but it seriously was impossible to understand them when the words hardly reach ‘you’ let alone in a language you can understand!! Thank you xx
Hopefully now they have tried to make contact once they will try again, Maybe they have seen how open you are to meeting all of them and how Cat is helping everyone that they have gained the confidence to try to come forward. Well done to them for trying.
I hope when they try next you will be in a place that allows you to take some time to sit and try to hear them clearer. I hope to hear more about them as you find out.
x x
Happy Anniversary! I’m so happy for you! All of you
Thank you Lulu
xx
Hapy aniversary day. I also had the pleasure of meeting remuy. He is amazing. He is truly validating and it was a great experience for us. xx
Thank you
xx
Way to go! You are awesome. It is amazing how far a little validation can go. Your journey is ahead of you now, as well as many deserved victories and celebrations. Keep on going.
thank you so much for such an encouraging message xx
Happy anniversary…I’m so happy for you that it brought so much freedom and you found Cat!
Thank you. Found Cat, eventually!
xx
yes but you did it! xo how are you doing today?
Happy Anniversary
I’ve always known we were a ‘we’ but had a therapist at one time who didn’t understand and didn’t believe what we told her and that totally threw us but fortunately we are in a different situation now and our therapist has been very supportive. I’m so pleased for you that you had the help to diagnose you and that now you have Cat to help you on your journey. I know you said you had a lot to face over the next year but you know what….i know you will do it because of how courageous you are. You truly do deserve a wonderful future xx
Thank so much xx I’m glad you are away from that invalidating therapist. Glad we are both settled with a good T
xx
Happy DIDversary! Knowing the truth brings so much power and hope.
~Kali
Thanks Kali! Power and hope indeed.. xx