There was only really one thing to report about in therapy today; for the first time ever we ended up splayed over the floor, lying on our side/back/front, all sorts. The reason this is monumental enough for me to report is because it means I have lost a great deal of my self consciousness about what I look like when I switch and it means for the first time ever I gave control of the legs and entire body to whoever was in the body. How freeing that is for me. How freeing that is for everyone else.
The pain/pressure of Cat being away for two weeks starting next week is growing within. I mused today in session how strikingly different attachment can be. When I was a teenager my upbringers would go abroad once a year and it was something I REALLY looked forward to. It would never cause me pain to think that they would be gone, I would never miss them, it was just wonderful them being away and us being safe. But with Cat I am dreading her being away even though we will still be in text contact daily. I said that if it was possible I’d quite like to be put in a coma-like sleep for these two weeks so I don’t have to feel this.
Driving to therapy today my thoughts kept going to friendships I’ve lost in the past; offline ones that is. There are quite a few that I remember: Jess, Karen, Lindsay, Katy, Clare… all friends that I once didnt feel I would want to live without, all friends lost in one way or another because of mental illness. From best friends to strangers. It is painful. I proposed that the reason I am feeling the pain of these losses is because of the perceived loss of Cat over these two weeks (and also paranoid fear that she won’t return). However I think I have been viewing this all wrong. Cat going away isnt a loss, it is simply a change.
We are still going to be in contact everyday. We will just have less contact because we won’t see each other twice a week and won’t be talking on the phone every day. That is all. Change, not loss. I think apprehension is the killer here. Isn’t it always. Especially for a change phobic like me. Still, change is an infinitely better way of feeling this than loss. Change not loss may become a mantra for the rest of this month.
Cat bought us a pretty little book though to write in if any thoughts or dreams or memories come up whilst she is away. Writing in there can become a bit of a substitute therapy session. We rely on her to help us ‘hold’ this stuff and in writing it down in her book it is like giving it to her to hold.
Because I still need help to hold all these pieces so that they aren’t too overwhelming.
So here we are, amidst change, not loss.