Tag Archives: alters

Change, not loss

17 Friday May 2013

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There was only really one thing to report about in therapy today; for the first time ever we ended up splayed over the floor, lying on our side/back/front, all sorts. The reason this is monumental enough for me to report is because it means I have lost a great deal of my self consciousness about what I look like when I switch and it means for the first time ever I gave control of the legs and entire body to whoever was in the body. How freeing that is for me. How freeing that is for everyone else.

The pain/pressure of Cat being away for two weeks starting next week is growing within. I mused today in session how strikingly different attachment can be. When I was a teenager my upbringers would go abroad once a year and it was something I REALLY looked forward to. It would never cause me pain to think that they would be gone, I would never miss them, it was just wonderful them being away and us being safe. But with Cat I am dreading her being away even though we will still be in text contact daily. I said that if it was possible I’d quite like to be put in a coma-like sleep for these two weeks so I don’t have to feel this.

Driving to therapy today my thoughts kept going to friendships I’ve lost in the past; offline ones that is. There are quite a few that I remember: Jess, Karen, Lindsay, Katy, Clare… all friends that I once didnt feel I would want to live without, all friends lost in one way or another because of mental illness. From best friends to strangers. It is painful. I proposed that the reason I am feeling the pain of these losses is because of the perceived loss of Cat over these two weeks (and also paranoid fear that she won’t return). However I think I have been viewing this all wrong. Cat going away isnt a loss, it is simply a change.

We are still going to be in contact everyday. We will just have less contact because we won’t see each other twice a week and won’t be talking on the phone every day. That is all. Change, not loss. I think apprehension is the killer here. Isn’t it always. Especially for a change phobic like me. Still, change is an infinitely better way of feeling this than loss. Change not loss may become a mantra for the rest of this month.

Cat bought us a pretty little book though to write in if any thoughts or dreams or memories come up whilst she is away. Writing in there can become a bit of a substitute therapy session. We rely on her to help us ‘hold’ this stuff and in writing it down in her book it is like giving it to her to hold.

Because I still need help to hold all these pieces so that they aren’t too overwhelming.

So here we are, amidst change, not loss.

Love, Bourbon.

The carousel

14 Tuesday May 2013

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I have been having fleeting feelings of suicide in the last few days and tonight I finally find out where they are coming from: LJ.  She sat with Cat this evening actually shaking with emotional pain.  She told Cat she simply wants to run in front of a car.  And other than that she had only one word to say: “lonely”.  The pain in the heart when she was in the body was unbelievable, I have never felt anything like it.  Cat and LJ held hands for a little bit which seemed to salve the pain for a little while.  This was definitely a session where LJ was not interested in words, at all.  She just needed to be held and contained.  She finally broke down into tears when Cat put her arm around her shoulders.  Perhaps she felt safe enough to just let go of the pain whilst Cat was containing her.  I think she feels a bit better now.

Unfortunately, the shock of LJ’s confession seemed to stir up the entire system.  I was then on a 40 minute carousel ride inside; trying desperately hard to return to the room but only managing a few seconds/minutes before I was swept off my feet again by another alter.  The problem was Cat has never witnessed the carousel before and had absolutely no idea what was going on and I wasn’t able to tell her for in the moment I had no idea either.  She wanted me to stay longer and to drink some tea to ground myself but I was lucid enough to know that we had overran considerably and I needed to leave.  I tried my best to assure her I would be okay, between switches, and slowly the carousel calmed down as I sat in the car alone.  I am still not 100% present now but nothing a good sleep won’t fix.

I think it was bound to be a triggering session because a.) I had a nightmare last night that involved men coming to the clinic to attack me (and my parents/sister were there too) and b.) I could smell alcohol in the room which Cat told me is probably right, though she can’t smell anything, but it isn’t her, and she had to reassure us with that point quite a bit.  Alcohol probably still remains to be our biggest trigger and even just remnants of alcohol in the air is enough to send us in a bit of a chaotic mess.

I have apologised profusely to Cat because overrunning that much is a big no-no really in therapy.  Though what Cat and I are doing together has never been just therapy anyway.  But still, there is a lot of guilt considering how abhorrent I feel about myself at the moment and how much I don’t want to inflict myselves on other people.

I really wanted to spend some time tonight catching up with blogs and commenting but I think the only place I need to be right now is in bed.  I feel extremely tired now and am in desperate need of the reset button that comes with sleep.

*****But what I do want to do is a shout-out to Red.  I just want to remind you that I care very very much about you and I am not going to get tired of stuff and turn my back.  I know our contact lately has been a bit stilted because of both of us going through rough times but you are still very much close to my thoughts every day and with every thought comes some warm energy and healing vibes just for you.*****

Weekends nearly over; I need a break.

12 Sunday May 2013

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Another fucking difficult day.  And excuse the swearing but I am, to quote Anastacia, sick and tired of being sick and tired.  Between my poor housemate being physically very poorly all weekend and me being emotionally poorly all weekend you should see the state of the flat.  It is angering both of us that it is in such a tip and neither of us feel as if we can do anything about it.  Poor Raggy hasn’t had a walk this weekend either.  Everything and everyone has just flumped.

With Cat going on holiday in just over a week I think we were hoping to contain things but that hasn’t really happened this weekend.  Things have been coming up within us that have literally left me struggling to stay upright with its heaviness.

**Trigger warning: child abuse**

The first thing to come up was I was introduced to someone who MAY be another alter, but I am holding judgement.  This child goes by the name of Gypsy and has been horribly physically abused.  She wears rag-like clothes and has a dirty round face.  And that is all I know.

The second thing to come up is I had a flash(back?) of a very disturbing incident of child sexual abuse.  The actions were very detailed.  I could see everything that was going on and relayed it to Cat in as much detail as I could bear.  The only thing I couldn’t see was who the man was.  My tunnel vision onto the incident didn’t stretch up to his face.  I just ‘knew’ he was an old man.  Jury is out on what this incident is from but all Cat said was; it is clear you have been traumatised from all angles at such a young age.  What she isn’t saying is that the child being abused is me, or at least part of me.  What she is saying is that perhaps this is a scene I witnessed, or it was an ‘acting scene’; something I was led to believe happened at the time.

She is asking me to respect the part of me that has thrown this much up and not try and push for more and try to make sense of it all.  She has asked me to give the fragment to her to hold and then try to keep myself as distracted as possible.  Easy to say but when it is something replaying in your head over and over and over again, when you are left wondering if you just have a very sick imagination, when there is actual physical pain in your body as you try to carry this around… it is hard to do.  I feel like I have had the rug pulled out from underneath my feet and I am struggling, really struggling, to stay contained.

Everything is upsetting me this weekend.  Everything.  Watching ‘the hangover’ with my housemate yesterday my eyes welled up with tears at the end when they finally found their friend.  This film is a comedy for gods sake.  I’ve been triggered by Cat because on the phone she said: “I’d better go now” and that threw up all sorts of fear and guilt that I am wanting/needing too much from her and I have been a naughty child in pushing for it.  I feel like I’ve had a couple of layers of my skin taken off me and now everything is just hurting me that much more.

–From a very worn down and slightly exasperated Bourbon

DID and me: one year anniversary

18 Tuesday Sep 2012

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Today marks a year since I travelled 4 hours to the Pottergate Centre for trauma and dissociation to be assessed with a SCID-D for a dissociative disorder by Remy Aquarone and a psychiatrist.

Me: who can’t travel for more than half an hour without anxiety and panic and therefore avoids doing so like the plague. That just shows how desperate I was to get some validation for the extent of what was starting to become uncovered in my head; validation the NHS refused to give.

It may seem weird to some; to celebrate a year since receiving a diagnosis but meeting Remy and having him say those words: “there is no doubt in my mind that you have DID” was a true gift.  It meant I was given permission to finally stop fighting what was going on inside and really start to listen and work with what was being presented to me.  It meant I wasn’t going completely insane.  I wasn’t just making things up.  “I” became “we” and it suddenly just felt right, after years of feeling wrong.

Actually coming face to face with Remy was exhausting. It was as if the alters knew that he could see them. They all perked up scrabbling for attention; Remy didn’t have just one pair of eyes on him and one set of ears he had many. Far more than I even knew at the time.  After seeing him came a period of mourning where I had to constantly remind the little’s that we wouldn’t be seeing him again.  I made them a promise that I wouldn’t stop until I found us a therapist who would understand them as much as Remy did.  (I kept my promise)

Remy’s final report that confirms the DID diagnosis documents just a handful of the alters that I am aware of now. Since that day I have thrown myself into uncovering every single member of my system who deep down wants to be known. I have read 20 books on dissociation/DID which helped give me ideas on how to begin and maintain communication with the insiders; and how to all begin the process of living together like a happy-ish family.

Just last night I had the appearance of someone new who I believe to be one of the backwards facing alters as that is the image I got upon hearing their extremely creepy voice: “who are you?” I answered their question and asked my own question. They tried to talk back to me but I failed to understand it. They seem to be so far away by the time the words reach me they are a proper word salad.

But this is just yet another challenge I have ahead of me for the year ahead. I have already shown myself that in just a year I can make immense progress with regards to the DID. I am excited to see what the next year will bring; especially now I have the pleasure of working with a therapist who actually knows what she is doing (rare to find!).

Happy Anniversary to me and DID. 

Book review: Set this house in order by Matt Ruff

02 Sunday Sep 2012

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Set This House in Order I finally finished Matt Ruff’s book: “Set this house in order“.  A crime novel who’s 2 main characters has Dissociative Identity Disorder.

For some reason this book took me a long time to read: a lot longer than it usually takes me to read a book.  I think it is because, I’m sad to say, I didn’t really enjoy it as much as I hoped I would.

Primarily you want to be reading this book because you are interested in crime novels.  I wasn’t.  I was reading the book because I am interested in its portrayal of DID.  As far as that goes: it has a very good portrayal of DID.  Though it left me feeling a bit redundant as the characters delve so deeply into their “inner world” that I am left amazed that a mind can create something so intricately designed when my “inner world” is next to nothing.

It really highlights though how a friendship between two DID’ers can feel like 20 relations in one; with each alter forming a bond with an alter from the others system. I don’t have any offline friends with DID so haven’t experienced this myself but it was good to “see” how this would work in action.

I did pick out a very interesting segment where the book talks about integration with DID:

“The classic therapeutic metaphor for a patient with MPD… is that of a broken vase.  The metaphor suggests an obvious remedy: pick up the pieces, grab some glue, and stick the vase back together.  Or in human terms: identify all the shards and fragments of the original personality, and using a “glue” of talk therapy, hypnosis, and drugs, reintegrate them into a single, unified whole… you can do that because a vase is dead to begin with, and its pieces are inert.  But human souls aren’t made of porcelain.  They’re alive, and, in the nature of living things, they change; and they keep on changing even after they get smashed to bits… Think instead of a rose bush, torn apart by a storm.  The branches get scattered all over the garden, but they don’t just lie there; they take root again, and try to grow, which isn’t as easy now that they are competing with one another for space and light… what you end up with… is not one rosebush but a multitude of rosebushes.  Some of them are badly stunted; maybe all of them are smaller than they would have been if they’d each had a garden of their own… To turn a whole rose garden back into a single rosebush takes more than just fitting and gluing; it requires pruning and uprooting and discarding as well, and what you end up with when you’re done isn’t the original rosebush, but a Frankenstein parody of it.  And you may not even get that far; little rosebushes don’t always react well to being cannibalized for parts”.  

This particular character of the book is not in favour of integration.  However the other main character is and actually explains very briefly what integration is like for them after having gone through it (though you don’t get to hear anything about the actual process):

“…we’re all still here, just, less separate than we used to be.  We don’t have to occupy the body one at a time now; we coexist in it… right now… I’m seeing you, feeling about you, the way Penny does, and at the same time, I’m seeing you and feeling about you the way Maledicta does.  And I can sort out, if I want to, the Penny-feelings from the Maledicta-feelings, but I can also just let them flow together…”

The book handles the differing opinions of integration quite well I think.  It certainly helped me to reflect on the rose bush analogy.

All in all the book was okay.  I am glad I read it but I did feel that I got a bit lost in the story sometimes.  Though most of it all came together nicely in the end.

What about you? Has anyone got anything to add?

 

DID survey (part 4)

13 Friday Jul 2012

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Have you read any good books on the topic of DID?
I have a very wide DID book collection.  Some autobiographies.  Some self help books.  Some informative books.  The great thing is, having a memory as bad as mine, I can read them over and over and they’re a new book each time!

Have you been able to sit through the movie Sybil from start to finish?
Yes.  I was round a friends house who I had to hide the extent of the DID from.  Movies like that make me very switchy.  But I was able to contain it.

Are you aware of individual insiders having disorders or symptoms of their own?
Yes.  As listed in my “about us” page there are a number of disorders within the system.

How do you handle medications? Do you have one person who takes everything, or do you try to target specific insiders with specific medications?
We are on an anti-depressant only now. Whoever gets up and out of bed will take the medication.  Typically it is one of the hosts: me, or Bourbonny.

Do insiders socialize with each other in your system?
I am not 100% sure.  I think so because when I have “gone inside” I have heard snippets of conversations between alters.  But I am quite blocked out from the inner world I think.  I think I still have a lot to learn.

Do you have any insiders who never come out?
Yes.  Mary, the ‘mothering alter’ never comes out.  Margaret doesn’t really either.  She types but typically uses my body to do so.  Wenda, the most recent split, has also never come out.

Do you have mute insiders? Do you have insiders who talk inside, but will not talk when they are out in the body? What is your idea about why that is?
Yes to both.  I have a mute insider: Krystal.  She writes that she can’t speak because there is something around her neck (probably a sensation lingered from my mothers strangulations).  Another alter, K, will talk inside but will whisper to the host and the host has to speak for her if there is anything she wants to be heard externally.  I don’t think she is comfortable using the voice box.  When she was around in our childhood we were hardly speaking.

What comforts you? (not your littles, or other insiders, what comforts YOU?)
My guinea pigs.  My bed.  My books.  My blog.

If you were to think of yourself and your insiders as tools in a tool box, what tool would you be?
Personally, I, Bourbon, would be the instruction booklet.  I hold all the information on how to deal with having DID and my other issues.

Where do you see yourself and your system 2 years from now? 4 years from now?
I can’t even think about an answer to that question.  2 hours from now is looking into the future enough ;)

What do you think online support groups do for you and for your insiders? What do you feel you contribute to the groups?
Online support groups help me to learn the knowledge that I have in dealing with the day to day living with DID.  I feel I contribute with experience of what has worked for me in problem solving these issues.

Other than therapy and online support groups, what other supports do you have in dealing with DID?
I have one of my best friends who has read every book I have (and can retain the information a lot easier than I can!) I have Remy from the Pottergate Centre, the guy who assessed us who is willing to answer any questions I have.  I have my partner who deals with the alters as and when they show.

DID survey (part 3)

06 Friday Jul 2012

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I am very spinny right now (close to losing control to another alter) so I am going to work on the DID survey as a method of distraction; a way of keeping my attention firmly focused on the present so I don’t lose concentration for one second allowing an alter to jump in.

So – on to part 3.

Does your system include individuals of both genders? If yes, do they include all stages of development, ie. young, middles, teens and adults?
Yes my system has alters of both genders. Though I only have 3 males (aged 2, 4 and 15) compared to 10 females and one unknown.


Name one major internal event that’s happened in the last year. (You do not have to go into detail, tell anything you don’t want to, or even describe the event.)
I guess the major internal event is that we got diagnosed and many more parts then felt more comfortable to show themselves! Before this only the “strong” alters were coming through (those who take up a lot of consciousness whilst out); now, the more gentle insiders are showing themselves.

Do you find that while all heck is breaking lose inside your body language and facial expression may be blank, expressionless, or non-revealing of the inner turmoil?
Oh definitely. I was brought up to be a reserved person with my body language and so on… I contain things behind a wax face all the time.

Who is one person in your life whom you wish you could tell about your insiders, or if they know, who is someone you wish you could make better understand things?
I wish I could find the courage to let both my non-official adopted parents know of my insiders. Or at least some of them.

Name a significant children’s book or story. Why is that a significant book?
‘The tiger who came to tea’. I came across it (can’t remember how) and recognise it as a book I knew of myself as a child. No idea if I owned it, saw it at school, or library but I have a gut feeling that I knew that book.


What is something you own, because of one of your littles, that you sometimes wonder if others have also and would feel comforted to know that it’s common rather than abnormal? (such as bottles, pacifiers, child tooth brushes, sippy cups, teethers, rattles, blocks, baby toys, a bib, etc.)
A pacifier/dummy – though I wouldn’t say I need comfort that other people own them. I’m quite happy to admit that a member of my system needed it so a member of my system got it.

In one sentence say something positive about being Multiple.
It was the reason I got through my childhood alive.

List 2 characteristics of traits about yourself that you are proud of.
My willingness to be there for someone through thick and thin – definitely something I didn’t learn from my family.
My insightfulness that is allowing me to heal from the inside out.


What is one thing you do to manage your stress?
I always have ‘me time’ at the end of the day which involves blogging and commenting on other peoples blogs. Without this ‘me time’ I get very tetchy indeed!

How can you tell when other insiders are getting stressed, distressed, uncomfortable or frightened by something?
I feel it. I feel a pushing or a stretching in my brain. Which often acts as an insider saying: hey I’m here I need you to listen to me right now.

DID survey (Part 2)

02 Monday Jul 2012

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This is part 2 of Many of Us’ DID survey.  To see part 1 click here.
Do you and your insiders have specialized tasks when coming out? (Such as one person who cleans, one who cooks, one who goes to school/work)

We don’t really have strict functional switches like some systems.  Bourbonny goes to work (sometimes blended with me, sometimes not).  Poppy comes out as an external protector for example when someone external to us seems threatening (emotionally, or otherwise).  Jason comes out when myself, the host, can’t cope anymore.  Other than that the little’s come out either when triggered or just because they want to!
Who answers the phone / is allowed to answer the phone?

Bourbonny does a lot of the phone-calls.  My chronic social phobia stops me from being able to manage phone-calls.
Do you curb your language, viewing habits (for tv and movies), or your eating habits due to an awareness of littles being near or present?

Yes definitely.  And it is really grinding when I am around someone who swears or talks about inappropriate things when a little is clearly present. I can imagine it must be hard to be flexible with your way of being with a person with DID though, maybe?
What is one item at the grocery store that you find easy enough (or can you think of something) that each insider can have turns picking their favorite flavor, etc.?

Milk! Kerry and Alice in my system absolutely loves chocolate milk. Many flavours there for others to choose from should they wish!
Do you have rules in regards to who gets time and when and how much time in therapy?

No.  I have tried to move away from this kind of regimented technique.  I take it as it comes- whoever is out clearly needs to be out, in therapy. But I do often tell the little’s that they can have some time but don’t take it all up discussing dinosaurs and toys and films!
Do you set aside time each day or at certain times of the week or weekend for child insiders to play, make a mess, see a video or have other fun?

Again, I don’t have a regimented routine.  When I work Monday-Wednesdays the alter’s know that if they want time to play, or to stay up late it has to be from Thursday-Sunday.  But as for certain times those days: no.
Do you know the most popular children’s shows on tv?

No.  The little’s generally have films they like to watch but not shows on TV.
As well as toys and stuffies for the younger insiders is there anything you buy for older kids and teens that is special and specific to them?

Clothes.  The teens have their own clothes.

What is one example of an agreed upon ground rule for adult insiders when they have control over the body?

Respect the fact we have a partner – no ‘funny business’ with anyone else.
What modes of communication do you use with your inner family?

Verbal communications in our head.
Written communications in a journal.
Verbal communications when I go inside (normally because something feels wrong).
Talk about a recent dispute among insiders.

Over who gets time in therapy.  Sometimes a few alters will come forward at once.  Leaving my mind to feel in a bit of a spin!
Tell us one thing that you wish others would understand about you and your system that you don’t think anyone does?

We are sensitive to losing our individuality with people.  For example when someone talks to me as me when I’ve clearly switched into a little. Validation as who we are is so important.
What do you think makes you unique from other multiples?

Oddly enough, multiples are so diverse that I don’t know that any quality I possess is not shared by at least one other multiple! Perhaps my very strong ability to stop a switch makes us unique? Probably not though!
What do you look for when you make friends with another multiple system?

Someone who is a ‘real’ multiple.  Someone who doesn’t leech off your system and use your experiences as a template for their own.


Has anyone in your system chosen a new name for themselves that is free of the abusive past?

Sort of.  Jason used to want to be referred to as The Boy Nobody.  Felt that was all he was worth.  We encouraged him to choose an actual name though as he is worth so much to us as a system.
What are some ways insiders or yourself have symbolized a part of their own or your collective healing process?

I guess the russian nesting dolls were a symbolization of our healing process.  We’ve gone from needing to see individuality as each alter/doll spread out across the mantlepiece to having the dolls nested together again as we understand the goal of integration.
Does anyone in your system age? Has anyone regressed? Are these changes permanent/semi-permanent/in the moment?

Only Poppy has aged a year on our birthday.  No one has regressed.  As far as I know Poppy’s ageing is permanent but who knows – in a DID system, anything is possible!

 

Part three to come!

DID survey (Part 1)

02 Monday Jul 2012

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My lovely friends over at Many of Us have shared with us all a DID survey that I would like to participate in.  It is quite long so I will be doing it in parts (both for the readers sake and mine!) To see the full list of questions do go across to Many of Us’ blog :)

Part One

What is a typical outfit you wear inside?

My inner world is very minimal.  I do go inside to communicate with my alters (or spend some time alone and away from the world) but when I do I have no knowledge of what I look like.  Perhaps next time I go I will look down to see my own body. That would be an interesting experiment!
Who inside do you trust with your concerns, secrets, and feelings?

Um… Mary.  Mary is the 30 year old mum figure.  I talk to her when I need some help or comfort from someone inside.
Where do you go inside when you want to have some space or be alone?

I have my own room inside that no one else is allowed access to.  It is a room with red tinged lighting and a big bed style bean bag in the middle of the room that I lie on.
If you could change one thing about your inside appearance what would it be?

I’m not sure how to take this question so I am going to interpret it how I want to answer.  If I could change my inner world I would make it less suffocating.  When inside talking to my alters, it is hard to breathe and it takes ages to say just one sentence from all the gasping that I have to do between words.
Do you have any children/adopted children or special littles you look after?

Inside or outside? I’m guessing inside in which case yes I do have children.  We all look after them though it isn’t just my job though mostly I am the one co-ordinating the care if that makes sense.
Are you involved in any internal relationships?

Yes, we are all in relationships with other.  But by relationship I mean something that lies between plain friendship and family.
In your system can/do insiders get married, have families, work at jobs, shop at stores?

Um externally yes… internally no.  As I said the inner world isn’t very expansive.  But of course all insiders are able to come out and have jobs (Bourbonny’s role), or shop at stores.
Do you have any insiders whom are non-human, but whom count as insiders (they hold information or memories valuable to the system)?

I don’t think so.  I used to think my alter Anger wasn’t human.  But I know he is.  He just didn’t want to present that way to start with.
What is the weather like inside?? Do you have weather? Do you ever go “outside, inside?”

No.  I have never been outside, inside.  I have never noticed any weather.  In fact that room I described up there, as being “my room” – doesn’t have any windows.  It is a very dark room.
Do you have more than one system of insiders within the body?

No.  We are all one system.
What is your relation to the other insiders?

We are all inner family members to each other.
When you are not out, do you have a life and activities inside or are you “asleep” or without awareness either inside or out?

I am never “not out”.  I am always co-conscious now with my system members.  Before this, I don’t know, the amnesia has blocked it out :/
Who is one person you don’t get along well with inside? What do you think would improve things between you and that person?

I wouldn’t say I don’t get along well with any of them.  There is sometimes a lot of friction between me and Poppy because she has very strong views and wishes in life that differ a lot from mine.  How to improve this? Make compromises.  Make sacrifices.  And communicate.

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