After a three day veg in bed I managed to drag myself up and out to take Raggy for a walk this afternoon – what a struggle. It was good to be out, I suppose, but my bed was calling me the whole time. Things still feel ridiculously heavy and I didn’t realise how much I was actually holding back until I had my daily check in call with Cat and ended up blubbering down the phone for the whole 25 minutes.
It was a tricky phone call because I was asking her really really important questions whilst not being able to trust her answers, at all. She was saying one thing, and I was hearing another in her voice, and regardless of how much she tried to reassure me that what I thought I was hearing in her voice was complete bolderdash I just kept believing she was lying that little bit more. In the end I just had to give up and hold what she was saying close to me so that I can keep trying to trust it if and when I feel able to.
The thing is I was ready to quit therapy. In fact I was ready to quit life. Things haven’t felt this awful in a good few months and I was just pushing every self destruct button I have. I am great at kicking myself when I am down. I am great at pushing away the exact people I need when I need them.
I think I am feeling a lot of grief right now too. With it being the run up to my birthday I am considering being 26 and where I’m at in life. I am wondering what my upbringers will do on MY special day. Will they silently wish me well? I doubt it. I’m sure I have been cursed (as in verbally, and actually cursed) many a time already. My mother told me you never cross a witch because they can ALWAYS curse you, whoever and wherever you are. All they have to do is THINK the curse and with the power of their minds they can make you fall with an extremely painful illness or take away everything you know and love. My mother took pride in making me see that she is some all-knowing, all-powerful being, and my life depends on me respecting her and keeping her at a safe distance. Like a couple dancing a tango, the distance has to be perfect. With me turning my back on the family the distance is no longer perfect. I am at risk. Not something I should dwell on too much I don’t think with how unsettled and unstable I am already.
But back to Cat and those really really important questions. Through tears I told her that I just need to hear that she cares about me. Through tears I told her that I just wish she would tell me that she loves me, like a mother does to their child. Through tears I told her that I just want her to hold me; I don’t want a hug, they are too impersonal, I just NEED to be held.
She tried to tell me that she does care and that she does “feel love” for me. She kept repeating that over and over again: “I do feel love for you, all of you”. I am trying to work out what that means. Is that a cop out? To feel love for someone, is that the same as loving someone? I genuinely don’t know and any help on this particular issue would be greatly appreciated.
She told me that when I sent her the text I did this morning saying that I cried myself to sleep last night in Raggy’s basket with him licking away my tears, she cried. “Not for you to feel guilty” she said “but you see I do care, otherwise I wouldn’t react to things you say like that”. My head had a response to that. The same response as what was being screamed following everything else she said: LIAR.
Cat reckons some parts of me knows that she cares and is angry at that. “Angry because it is much harder to off yourself when you know people care about you” she said. And angry because if she cares then how dare she up and leave and go on holiday and leave me in the lurch. Rationally I don’t think that, I can’t. But with my attachment issues and my struggles it would be stupid to not expect SOME parts of me to think that exact thing. Perhaps these parts needs to express this anger at some point this week. I hope I can step away enough to allow this to happen.
As for being held, she thinks we are (all) ready. We have known her for nearly a year now (where has that time gone?) and I think we all know and love/trust Cat enough now to know that some physical comfort from her is safe and okay. It doesn’t mean it is going to happen tomorrow or Friday or anytime before she goes away but that option is now available to us. She reckons being physically contained and held is very much needed because we were so so starved of that growing up. We literally had zero experiences of SAFE holding touch. The mother was NEVER affectionate in words or touch. When the father was affectionate in touch it was mostly when he was crossing sexual boundaries. Accepting it from Cat is going to be hard but when the right time comes, I will know.