Tag Archives: attachment

“I feel love for you”..?

14 Tuesday May 2013

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After a three day veg in bed I managed to drag myself up and out to take Raggy for a walk this afternoon – what a struggle.  It was good to be out, I suppose, but my bed was calling me the whole time.  Things still feel ridiculously heavy and I didn’t realise how much I was actually holding back until I had my daily check in call with Cat and ended up blubbering down the phone for the whole 25 minutes.

It was a tricky phone call because I was asking her really really important questions whilst not being able to trust her answers, at all.  She was saying one thing, and I was hearing another in her voice, and regardless of how much she tried to reassure me that what I thought I was hearing in her voice was complete bolderdash I just kept believing she was lying that little bit more.  In the end I just had to give up and hold what she was saying close to me so that I can keep trying to trust it if and when I feel able to.

The thing is I was ready to quit therapy.  In fact I was ready to quit life.  Things haven’t felt this awful in a good few months and I was just pushing every self destruct button I have.  I am great at kicking myself when I am down.  I am great at pushing away the exact people I need when I need them.

I think I am feeling a lot of grief right now too.  With it being the run up to my birthday I am considering being 26 and where I’m at in life.  I am wondering what my upbringers will do on MY special day.  Will they silently wish me well? I doubt it.  I’m sure I have been cursed (as in verbally, and actually cursed) many a time already.  My mother told me you never cross a witch because they can ALWAYS curse you, whoever and wherever you are.  All they have to do is THINK the curse and with the power of their minds they can make you fall with an extremely painful illness or take away everything you know and love.  My mother took pride in making me see that she is some all-knowing, all-powerful being, and my life depends on me respecting her and keeping her at a safe distance.  Like a couple dancing a tango, the distance has to be perfect.  With me turning my back on the family the distance is no longer perfect.  I am at risk.  Not something I should dwell on too much I don’t think with how unsettled and unstable I am already.

But back to Cat and those really really important questions.  Through tears I told her that I just need to hear that she cares about me.  Through tears I told her that I just wish she would tell me that she loves me, like a mother does to their child.  Through tears I told her that I just want her to hold me; I don’t want a hug, they are too impersonal, I just NEED to be held.

She tried to tell me that she does care and that she does “feel love” for me.  She kept repeating that over and over again: “I do feel love for you, all of you”.  I am trying to work out what that means.  Is that a cop out? To feel love for someone, is that the same as loving someone? I genuinely don’t know and any help on this particular issue would be greatly appreciated. 

She told me that when I sent her the text I did this morning saying that I cried myself to sleep last night in Raggy’s basket with him licking away my tears, she cried.  “Not for you to feel guilty” she said “but you see I do care, otherwise I wouldn’t react to things you say like that”.  My head had a response to that.  The same response as what was being screamed following everything else she said: LIAR.

Cat reckons some parts of me knows that she cares and is angry at that.  “Angry because it is much harder to off yourself when you know people care about you” she said.  And angry because if she cares then how dare she up and leave and go on holiday and leave me in the lurch.  Rationally I don’t think that, I can’t.  But with my attachment issues and my struggles it would be stupid to not expect SOME parts of me to think that exact thing.  Perhaps these parts needs to express this anger at some point this week.  I hope I can step away enough to allow this to happen.

As for being held, she thinks we are (all) ready.  We have known her for nearly a year now (where has that time gone?) and I think we all know and love/trust Cat enough now to know that some physical comfort from her is safe and okay.  It doesn’t mean it is going to happen tomorrow or Friday or anytime before she goes away but that option is now available to us.  She reckons being physically contained and held is very much needed because we were so so starved of that growing up.  We literally had zero experiences of SAFE holding touch.  The mother was NEVER affectionate in words or touch.  When the father was affectionate in touch it was mostly when he was crossing sexual boundaries.  Accepting it from Cat is going to be hard but when the right time comes, I will know.

Intense therapy session

26 Friday Apr 2013

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20130426-131437.jpg<– Our Benny was very angry in session today.  Very.  Cat was literally on her knees holding his arms down to stop him from scratching the arm and hitting the head.  He got worked up because I started talking about something that shouldn’t have happened between my father and I trying to work out if it is in any way justifiable (which it isn’t).  I felt myself ‘slipping’ into a dissociated alter state when talking/thinking about it and used the control I have to purposefully step away from falling in.  I knew it was nearing the end of the session and I didn’t trust what I was going to do.

I want to be able to put that situation with my father out of my mind now so I don’t have to carry it around with me all weekend.  Not sure how realistic that is but we will see I guess.  I very quickly fell into a denying/minimising state also known as my protective layer.  ‘It was nothing though’ I wrote to Cat.  Cat was silent and stayed silent until I looked up and looked her in the eye.  Only then did she speak.  ‘Sweetheart, it just was not nothing’.  I wish I could have held eye contact with her at that point to really click into her sincerity but I couldn’t.  I never can.

So much ground was covered in todays session it is hard to pull out the important bits to record here.  Cat brought in a tiny little finger puppet for Kerry; a mole for her to call her very own.  I know Cat had been thinking long and hard about what she can give to Kerry to a.) show her that there is love out in the external world for her and b.) give Kerry something to hold onto when Cat is away.  I told Cat how I caught sight of Kerry in the inner world earlier this week and it was like clapping eyes on a feral child for the first time.  She took my breath away the way she was on her hands and knees with her black hair over her face sitting in the dark.  Cat told Kerry in session today a little story about the mole and how he used to be frightened of a big bad animal that used to try to chase him and hurt him; but someone had taken the big animal away and the mole was safe now to come up out of the dark and bask in the sun and smell the flowers.  All very symbolic.  It obviously resonated with Kerry.

I have also been given the task of trying to breathe in more oxygen and air for the inner world.  Cat and I have noticed that when I switch back I always come back gasping for air.  Returning to the inner world earlier this week I guess it makes sense why.  It is so hard to breathe down there.  There is a distinct lack of o2; so much so every word you say needs a whole breath of its own.  I need to physically stand on the balcony and breathe in a good lungful of air and somehow through the power of my mind ‘send’ it to the inner world.  All sounds a bit ‘out there’ but then having alters living in complete darkness and suffocating at the back of your mind kinda is as well.

At the end of the session Cat very quickly read a story to LJ; the same one she read on Tuesday, the same one she will read every single session until she goes on holiday and the same one she is going to be recording for us so we have it during her holiday too.  At the end of it LJ took Cat’s hand and whispered quietly ‘please don’t go anywhere’.  She whispered it for us all.

Therapist on holiday? We’ll deal

24 Wednesday Apr 2013

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That time has come.  The ‘therapists holiday’ time.  In a month or so Cat is off somewhere sunny and warm overlooking the sea for two weeks with her family and yes, of course, I am jealous.  I am jealous that her little girl gets to spend two long relaxed weeks with her mummy, having her total undivided attention.  But I am more nervous than jealous.  Nervous because she happens to be going away during the two-week run up to my birthday that is traditionally a depressing time for me; this one even more so as it will be my first birthday since being estranged from the family.

I’m sure we will be fine.  We will be in text contact with Cat still and we will be seeing another therapist who works with Cat for some face-to-face contact with someone while Cat is away.  And actually I’m a little hopeful about that because I know this therapist is extremely experienced and a fresh pair of eyes involved with us, even if it is only for 2 weeks, may be beneficial.  I’m sure we will be fine but it is the apprehension that is the killer every time, isn’t it?

Therapy today was… heartwarming? Whilst talking about Cat being away I felt Benny very close and actually purposefully stepped back, further than I normally would do with him, to allow him to come through into the body completely.  Cue more interacting with Cat, way more than I’d have ever thought possible this time last year.  Understandably he was/is angry about Cat leaving but she was able to soothe him a bit and convince him that she will be coming back and nothing bad is going to happen to her.  He ripped his hands away when Cat reached for them, which is unlike him as I think he craves physical contact with her usually, but he did a good job listening and taking in her care emotionally. 

LJ had the rest of the session and let’s just say she was one step away from crawling onto Cat’s lap she was so connected today.  I just sat at the back of the mind thinking how wonderful it is that the little parts of me get this now when they never did when we were ALL little.  To have these younger parts given the time and space to read stories with Cat and have Cat so warmly stroke their arm/hair; I’m just waiting for the day I wake up and this is all a dream.  I can’t be any more grateful than I am right now of the gift I have been given in having Cat in our lives. 

I feel absolutely exhausted.  These last few nights I have been dropping off to sleep at a decent-ish hour very content every night.  Things are okay right now, they really are.  Dare I say it, they may even be stable.  I am a lucky person right now, that is for sure. 

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