Isn’t it wonderful to hit a place of acceptance? It doesn’t even really matter what the acceptance is about; the relieving feelings are the same every time. It is like your brain suddenly says: Right, that is it, you don’t have to think about this anymore, it is the way it is and I accept that, and everything is okay.
I can’t actually say the word ‘acceptance’ out loud without coaching from someone else to tell me how to say it. A psychotherapist I had once found that very interesting/relevant: can’t say it, can’t do it. In a way I think he was right, accepting is hard to do, but only because I have such big/difficult things to accept. So the relief of accepting just one of these ‘monsters’ is very boosting.
Yesterday in session Cat said to LJ that she knows it is so unfair that we can’t start again, from scratch, and have her as our mother. My ears pricked up when I heard this because I have no idea why she said that. The conversation wasn’t going down that road at all and none of us had given her any idea that we were thinking that way at all. LJ was unable to really explain this so instead I sent Cat an email today to explain our view of this situation.
Basically, I said to Cat, we have accepted that the mother we had is the mother we have. Of course it remains to be the case that I don’t want my mother in my life; but that doesn’t take away the fact she is my mother and the only mother I am going to get. In fact, I don’t want any other mother, I said, especially you. Introduce a mothering dynamic to what we have and it will all go downhill. I will end up feeling like I have to please you, make you happy, and that takes away energy from my healing. And realistically, if it wasn’t for my mother I wouldn’t have met you in the capacity I have done and we wouldn’t have such a good bond with you. So there is no need to take away anything that has happened in my life, I’m quite happy with the way things have turned out.
But what I do like, I continued, is the idea of you being an auntie figure. If you want to take this back then let me know, otherwise I find it very innocent and comforting and would quite like it to stick.
Receiving an email back, when her policy is to not reply to any emails, simply saying ‘the auntie figure is good for me too’ has definitely solidified this acceptance amongst us all.
I have spent about a decade of my life searching for a new mum. The happiness that has spread through me when I think I have found one, and the disappointment that crawls over me when I realise I haven’t, has been mind-bending. But actually I think all this time I have been searching for something that I don’t actually want and won’t let in my life. That is why these mother figures have never really ‘worked out’ because deep down I know the idea of a mother, according to my mind, is dangerous. ‘Mother’ comes with so much tension and responsibilities from both parties. I’d rather just give that all a miss really, thankyouverymuch.