Words have not been my friend today but I am full up of stuff and just need to have a rant.  I wish you luck in navigating through this confusing jumbled mess  

I am not at the stage of my healing where I can fight battles with those in society who don’t believe in DID or the abuse commonly associated with DID.  In fact, I am at the stage of my healing where it is just triggering to be aware of so much tension around me as I try to find my way around this confusing maze.  I of course know that it shouldn’t matter what people think, especially uneducated ignorant people of society who are of no importance to me whatsoever, but unfortunately it does matter to me what people think, it always has done and always will do (probably).

So at the moment there does feel like I am aware of too much tension in the DID community and it is negatively affecting me.  On the support forums I go to a lot of discussion is about the Dr Phil show and how he openly stated that DID does not exist on public airing completely invalidating his guest who has written a book about living with DID after ritual abuse.  This was after another brave soul with DID going onto Dr Phil’s show last year receiving the same sort of ignorant attitude from him.  Why does he think he knows The Truth? Why does he feel he has to force his opinion on the rest of society?

The other thing that has got my back up this week is a ignorant twat who has written an article somewhere on the internet (I’ve read it but I am not finding it again) completely pulling apart the words and wisdom of Dr Valerie Sinason known as the director of the clinic for dissociative studies in the UK and for her research into ritual abuse.  I just don’t get it.   Child abuse happens and ritual abuse happens.  DID happens.  It is here, plain in sight to see in society today, if you care to look.  

Don’t these twats understand how retraumatising it is to feel you have to hide away your past experiences and current situation because of fear of retribution from society? Society has already failed us as children, one way or another, and why can’t they just leave us alone to heal in peace?

My therapist made a passing comment about how work at her clinic is always much harder when there is so much controversy in the air.  It is hard for me to stomach that the place I go to on a Wednesday to feel safe enough to engage in therapy is currently engaged in a war with the other side of the population who deny.  ”There are as many people behind Valerie as there are behind the non-believers” Cat said but that just makes me even more angsty.  That makes out that there is a 50:50 split between those who believe in us and those who don’t.  I don’t know why but it almost leaves me feeling dirty going to the clinic for therapy.  Like I’m doing something shameful and wrong.  I am subtly encouraged to withdraw from society and hide more. 

I am currently facing a personal battle with my own GP who is weary about accepting the DID.  I need my GP to write me a medical statement to confirm why I cannot work at the moment.  I explained it all to her today: the flashbacks, the dissociation, things feeling so heavy and intense I just can’t get out of bed and she wrote on the medical statement: social phobic disorders and anxiety.  Yes I do have social phobic disorders but that is the tip of the iceberg and doesn’t give the benefit people enough information to judge if I should be forced to return back to work or not.  As it stands, I have been officially told I cannot work for 4 weeks.  I lost my job and have been without a job for three times that already.  I do not need the pressure of maybe having to return to work in a months time.  But the GP doesn’t understand the long term nature of DID.  She sees it as a short term illness of anxiety.  Luckily Cat is helping me fight her ignorance about the DID because I am not strong enough to fight her brick walls alone.

There are the hidden disorders in society that people don’t much like to talk about: depression, schizophrenia, fibromyalgia, ME.  Then there is DID that is paradoxically hidden but flat out denied at the same time.  I just… it’s disheartening to be honest.  It really is.  As if this climb to healing isn’t hard and steep enough; every now and again we are susceptible to slipping a bit further down the ladder because of thoughtless controversy.