Tag Archives: dissociative identities

DID survey (part 5)

17 Tuesday Jul 2012

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Have you and the other insiders ever tried to write or construct a personal narrative?
I have written a mini-narrative focused on the period of my life where the emetophobia and anorexia became an issue.  Other than that, no.

Do you allow your littles to draw/color or in other artistic ways express themselves?
Yes.  They have colouring pencils, pens, paints, diaries and other art and craft stuff.

In the first 10 years of your life can you recall a time you felt safe? Tell something about that time.
No. A true sense of safety is something I don’t think I’ve ever felt.  Not even now.

Did you have more than one abuser?
Yes.  My parents triggered each other off and sometimes worked as a pair.

At what body age did you reveal, or was the abuse found out about?
16.

Were you ever a foster child, lived in a group home, or were hospitalized on a juvenile psych ward?
No.  Stupidly, I turned it down. Stupidly, my social worker let me make that decision.

Give one piece of advice to someone newly diagnosed with DID.
Read the self-help type books.  They come with invaluable information and understanding. 

If the process of healing, becoming self aware and aware of others inside was on a scale from newly diagnosed to seasoned veteran where do you think you’d fall on that scale?
Just a few steps away from newly diagnosed.  I’m still learning a lot about my system.

What encourages you to continue on… be it with therapy or with internal cooperation or what ever your choice for proceeding is.
The fact that I have no other choice.  This is the life I have been given.  May as well do what I can with it.

Does your psychiatrist know you have DID? Do you think your treatment is different because of it?
I don’t have a psychiatrist anymore.  But when I did not too long ago, yes they knew about the DID…. but knowing about it and then believing it are two different things.  I was discharged shortly after diagnosis.

In your system are people comfortable identifying who is out? Does it differ between a close friend, your therapist, a doctor, family and so on?
Depends.  When we come up in therapy we are always a little uncertain about disclosing exactly who it is.  I don’t know why.  Some of us do, some of us don’t.  Poppy likes to announce that she is around when she is fully out but often times it is just up to whether the person we are with notices a change in our demeanor.

Do you feel that during the time of your abuse that your abusers were aware of your multiplicity?
No.  They couldn’t see past the end of their noses.  They weren’t aware of my emotions; let alone any splitting that may have been happening.

DID survey (Part 2)

02 Monday Jul 2012

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This is part 2 of Many of Us’ DID survey.  To see part 1 click here.
Do you and your insiders have specialized tasks when coming out? (Such as one person who cleans, one who cooks, one who goes to school/work)

We don’t really have strict functional switches like some systems.  Bourbonny goes to work (sometimes blended with me, sometimes not).  Poppy comes out as an external protector for example when someone external to us seems threatening (emotionally, or otherwise).  Jason comes out when myself, the host, can’t cope anymore.  Other than that the little’s come out either when triggered or just because they want to!
Who answers the phone / is allowed to answer the phone?

Bourbonny does a lot of the phone-calls.  My chronic social phobia stops me from being able to manage phone-calls.
Do you curb your language, viewing habits (for tv and movies), or your eating habits due to an awareness of littles being near or present?

Yes definitely.  And it is really grinding when I am around someone who swears or talks about inappropriate things when a little is clearly present. I can imagine it must be hard to be flexible with your way of being with a person with DID though, maybe?
What is one item at the grocery store that you find easy enough (or can you think of something) that each insider can have turns picking their favorite flavor, etc.?

Milk! Kerry and Alice in my system absolutely loves chocolate milk. Many flavours there for others to choose from should they wish!
Do you have rules in regards to who gets time and when and how much time in therapy?

No.  I have tried to move away from this kind of regimented technique.  I take it as it comes- whoever is out clearly needs to be out, in therapy. But I do often tell the little’s that they can have some time but don’t take it all up discussing dinosaurs and toys and films!
Do you set aside time each day or at certain times of the week or weekend for child insiders to play, make a mess, see a video or have other fun?

Again, I don’t have a regimented routine.  When I work Monday-Wednesdays the alter’s know that if they want time to play, or to stay up late it has to be from Thursday-Sunday.  But as for certain times those days: no.
Do you know the most popular children’s shows on tv?

No.  The little’s generally have films they like to watch but not shows on TV.
As well as toys and stuffies for the younger insiders is there anything you buy for older kids and teens that is special and specific to them?

Clothes.  The teens have their own clothes.

What is one example of an agreed upon ground rule for adult insiders when they have control over the body?

Respect the fact we have a partner – no ‘funny business’ with anyone else.
What modes of communication do you use with your inner family?

Verbal communications in our head.
Written communications in a journal.
Verbal communications when I go inside (normally because something feels wrong).
Talk about a recent dispute among insiders.

Over who gets time in therapy.  Sometimes a few alters will come forward at once.  Leaving my mind to feel in a bit of a spin!
Tell us one thing that you wish others would understand about you and your system that you don’t think anyone does?

We are sensitive to losing our individuality with people.  For example when someone talks to me as me when I’ve clearly switched into a little. Validation as who we are is so important.
What do you think makes you unique from other multiples?

Oddly enough, multiples are so diverse that I don’t know that any quality I possess is not shared by at least one other multiple! Perhaps my very strong ability to stop a switch makes us unique? Probably not though!
What do you look for when you make friends with another multiple system?

Someone who is a ‘real’ multiple.  Someone who doesn’t leech off your system and use your experiences as a template for their own.


Has anyone in your system chosen a new name for themselves that is free of the abusive past?

Sort of.  Jason used to want to be referred to as The Boy Nobody.  Felt that was all he was worth.  We encouraged him to choose an actual name though as he is worth so much to us as a system.
What are some ways insiders or yourself have symbolized a part of their own or your collective healing process?

I guess the russian nesting dolls were a symbolization of our healing process.  We’ve gone from needing to see individuality as each alter/doll spread out across the mantlepiece to having the dolls nested together again as we understand the goal of integration.
Does anyone in your system age? Has anyone regressed? Are these changes permanent/semi-permanent/in the moment?

Only Poppy has aged a year on our birthday.  No one has regressed.  As far as I know Poppy’s ageing is permanent but who knows – in a DID system, anything is possible!

 

Part three to come!

DID survey (Part 1)

02 Monday Jul 2012

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My lovely friends over at Many of Us have shared with us all a DID survey that I would like to participate in.  It is quite long so I will be doing it in parts (both for the readers sake and mine!) To see the full list of questions do go across to Many of Us’ blog :)

Part One

What is a typical outfit you wear inside?

My inner world is very minimal.  I do go inside to communicate with my alters (or spend some time alone and away from the world) but when I do I have no knowledge of what I look like.  Perhaps next time I go I will look down to see my own body. That would be an interesting experiment!
Who inside do you trust with your concerns, secrets, and feelings?

Um… Mary.  Mary is the 30 year old mum figure.  I talk to her when I need some help or comfort from someone inside.
Where do you go inside when you want to have some space or be alone?

I have my own room inside that no one else is allowed access to.  It is a room with red tinged lighting and a big bed style bean bag in the middle of the room that I lie on.
If you could change one thing about your inside appearance what would it be?

I’m not sure how to take this question so I am going to interpret it how I want to answer.  If I could change my inner world I would make it less suffocating.  When inside talking to my alters, it is hard to breathe and it takes ages to say just one sentence from all the gasping that I have to do between words.
Do you have any children/adopted children or special littles you look after?

Inside or outside? I’m guessing inside in which case yes I do have children.  We all look after them though it isn’t just my job though mostly I am the one co-ordinating the care if that makes sense.
Are you involved in any internal relationships?

Yes, we are all in relationships with other.  But by relationship I mean something that lies between plain friendship and family.
In your system can/do insiders get married, have families, work at jobs, shop at stores?

Um externally yes… internally no.  As I said the inner world isn’t very expansive.  But of course all insiders are able to come out and have jobs (Bourbonny’s role), or shop at stores.
Do you have any insiders whom are non-human, but whom count as insiders (they hold information or memories valuable to the system)?

I don’t think so.  I used to think my alter Anger wasn’t human.  But I know he is.  He just didn’t want to present that way to start with.
What is the weather like inside?? Do you have weather? Do you ever go “outside, inside?”

No.  I have never been outside, inside.  I have never noticed any weather.  In fact that room I described up there, as being “my room” – doesn’t have any windows.  It is a very dark room.
Do you have more than one system of insiders within the body?

No.  We are all one system.
What is your relation to the other insiders?

We are all inner family members to each other.
When you are not out, do you have a life and activities inside or are you “asleep” or without awareness either inside or out?

I am never “not out”.  I am always co-conscious now with my system members.  Before this, I don’t know, the amnesia has blocked it out :/
Who is one person you don’t get along well with inside? What do you think would improve things between you and that person?

I wouldn’t say I don’t get along well with any of them.  There is sometimes a lot of friction between me and Poppy because she has very strong views and wishes in life that differ a lot from mine.  How to improve this? Make compromises.  Make sacrifices.  And communicate.

Blending: An Advanced Technique

29 Sunday Apr 2012

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“Blending is a temporary coming together of parts for the purpose of enriching the experience of one or more parts (Fine & Comstock 1989; Kluft 1982, 2003)”

Blending vs co-consciousness

Purposeful blending should ideally be a voluntary experience for both/all parts involved.  The way I see it, whether rightly or wrongly, is blending is an agreeable step above co-consciousness.  When I am co-conscious with an alter where I end and this alter begins is often very clear.  Often there are two sets of thoughts going on at once.  I may be experiencing significant depersonalisation to the extent where I feel I am not in the body at all.  Instead I am standing behind the body, or next to it, or when particularly bad, the opposite side of the road from it.  With co-consciousness you can visualise it as two bodies alongside each other.  Or the two sides of the brain working distinctly from each other but able to hear and see what is going on for the other person. 

Recently I had a co-conscious conversation between Poppy, myself, and our ‘external’ friend.  This experience works well as long as there isn’t conflict between the two alters.  I was the one who stayed in the body, Poppy was the one who was able to see and hear and contribute but had no interest in taking over the body fully.  She would simply tell me what to say on her behalf.  When there is conflict between the two alters co-consciousness can be ugly: for example when Anger and I argue with who is going to control the arm and the arm gets pinned in the air full of tension. 

Blending is something that happens quite often now between me and Kerry.  During this experience there is no sense of there being two bodies along side each other.  The brain’s hemispheres are working together.  The boundaries between me and Kerry are extremely porous.  We are literally mingling around together in the same conscious space.  When you don’t know what is going on it is a confusing experience.  It is the time when my denial about the existence of alters can really take hold because it is literally a case of regressing right back to being Kerry’s age with your thoughts, voice, behaviours, emotions, whilst knowing you haven’t switched and it is you. 

Why encourage blending?

Blending is supposed to be a constructive therapeutic process as it is the precursor to you becoming you as a whole person.  Whilst blended you can feel what the less temporary experience of integration would be like.  At the moment it wouldn’t be advisable that me and Kerry integrate because I simply cannot exist in the life I have whilst feeling like an 8-year-old who wants to read child stories.  This is why before full integration can take place I believe that these younger alters need to  literally be given time to age to the bodies age.  Kerry needs to be given the space to freely exist and mature in her own time.  See, neither the temporary experience of blending or the more permanent experience of integration is about killing any alter off.  It is about feeling them inside as a whole. 

A step of progress within our system within the last few months is the almost constant blending between Alice (4 years) and Kerry (8 years).  When I have switched fully into this blend I can feel the two of them in the same conscious space, undertaking the colouring in together or the conversation with our therapist together.  It is a nice blend that works really well.  It means they both get time in the body together, as friends.  When I switch into Kerry alone, or Alice alone in therapy, they are very shy and don’t seem to be able to talk.  But when they come together they are full of life and questions. 

How to encourage blending?

There are some visual techniques you can use to encourage temporary blending.  Conscious blending should only really be attempted between two alters that are living in present time not stuck in trauma time.  For me, blending just seems to happen when the time is right but there are also ways to practice coming together in a way that allows both alters to understand what is going on and have the free will to say yes or no to the experience.  It should be made clear that at any time through the process the two alters blending can split again.  This is simply a way to test it out, feel the waters. 

You can start by simply invite a part to “come closer” to you.  You may be able to visualise them actually moving towards you.  When I see my alters moving around inside I can see their facial expressions which is a good way of ensuring they are comfortable about this process.  When you feel comfortable and safe with the progress made so far you can take it one step further and encourage touching between each other, by holding hands, or inviting the child part to sit in your lap, or vision you both coming together under a blanket.   If this still feels safe and comfortable the next step is to invite the part to share your eyes, listen through your ears, and feel with your hands.  This way you are both experiencing the same experience in present day.  This may lead to more complete blending occurring where for a short period of time you move around together in the same space (as happens with me and Kerry).  This can help in many situations such as allowing you to complete certain tasks more effectively or help others internally. 

Complete blending can also be visualised to help clarify what is happening for both parts.  You can imagine yourself and the other part hugging until you both merge.  You can imagine one part standing in front of the other and have one part stepping backwards and one stepping forwards until you join in the middle.  As always with these things, your imagination is the limit. 

What does blending feel like?

When Kerry & I first began to blend it was an unusual experience.  Depending on who has the perspective *I* either felt considerably small or Kerry felt considerably tall.  She once stood up when we were in a blended state and almost fell over with dizziness.  She felt like she was standing up a mountain.  Sometimes she can’t understand how she is meant to cope with such long legs that just seem to never end.  Sometimes I feel like something is out of my reach when in reality it isn’t.  I am just imagining myself as a lot smaller than I actually am.  This can also run parallel to other differences such as suddenly feeling wiser, younger, stronger, weaker, more confident with language and so on.  You may even find changes in your visual or auditory acuity. 

Personal future blending

My therapist discussed with Bourbonny how he wants to help me and Bourbonny work together more and help each other out.  Perhaps practicing us blending together is a step towards achieving that.  Perhaps next time I am co-conscious with Bourbonny in a therapy session this is something we can think about doing.  I am quite excited about this prospect.   I wonder what it would feel like to blend with someone who exudes such confidence.  However, perhaps more work needs to be done with Bourbonny before this can happen considering we are in conflict at the moment at times with what is going on and what we need to do to ‘survive’ in life.  Hmm.  This is something I’m going to need to discuss with my therapist tomorrow. 

An essay on disorganised/disoriented attachments

21 Wednesday Mar 2012

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Disorganised/Disoriented Attachment

Finally, I feel I have the time and the space to write about the attachment style issue.  I don’t think I’m going to mention the other attachment styles because to be honest I have ‘done them to death’ after doing a psychology degree.  I want to concentrate on the attachment style I exhibit to help those around me understand me, and to help me understand myself.

After identifying the other attachment styles, the psychologists found a category of children who were left over – not quite fitting the secure, insecure-avoidant or insecure-ambivalent categories.  (Of course whether you can fit children/adults into categories of attachment is a whole separate issue.  But loosely, one attachment style seems to dominate). 

The mothers of these children were observed to:

  • exhibit frightening behaviours to their child such as looming behaviours, sudden movements, sudden invasion, attack postures. 
  • or frightened behaviours such as backing away, a fearful facial expression and so on. 
  • may exhibit role confusion so eliciting reassurance from the child
  • may exhibit disorientation so adopting a trance-like expression and wandering around aimlessly in response to the infants cry
  • intrusive behaviour such as pulling the child by the wrist, withholding toys or mocking and teasing
  • withdrawal so not greeting the infant and not interacting verbally with no eye contact

On top of this the mothers were usually abusive or neglectful and forcing state switches on the child without interactive repair.  For example, scaring the child purposefully without helping the child to calm down afterwards so the child is left in a heightened state of arousal for long periods of time.

Personalising this a little, my mother everyday exhibited frightening behaviours with sudden invasions into my personal space brandishing a knife, or a rope, or hands around my neck.  When she had heightened my sense of arousal and fear by ‘attacking me’ she would walk away with a laugh.  Of course she wouldn’t stay to help calm me down and or help me process why she had suddenly inflicted terror on me.  It would be up to me to self-soothe down from that heightened state.  My mother also to this day exhibits disorientation.  Not orienting to my face or my speech at all.  Gaze avoidance sums her up very well.  (Consequently, gaze avoidance sums me up pretty damn well too!)

So how does this affect the adult when they are out of this traumatic atmosphere?

  • Sequential contradictory behaviour.  For example when I reach out for some affection (proximity-seeking) and this is followed up by a fearful response, dazed behaviour or withdrawal. 
  • Simultaneous contradictory behaviour.  For example when I reach out for some affection but at the same time am being held back by the fear in my head (this happens often). Proximity seeking is often done verbally whereas avoidance is often communicated physically.
  • Incomplete, interrupted or undirected behaviour and expressions.   For example when I get upset and needing comfort but withdraw away from those close to me. 
  • Behaviour that indicates disorganisation or disorientation such as aimlessly wandering around with a dazed confused expression.  Well, I do this quite often at home!

These behaviours are especially apparent in the context of discussing past relational trauma and can get played out especially with current attachment relationships, especially with the therapist. 

Why does this simultaneous proximity-seeking and avoidance happen?

Children and adults have two opposing psychobiological systems: an attachment system and a defense system.  When these are simultaneously triggered or alternately stimulated the above chaotic attachment ensues; proximity seeking behaviours are mobilised AND flight/fight/freeze responses are aroused.  An infant who is upset will seek proximity to the caregiver BUT what if the caregiver further upsets the infant or causes the upset in the first place? What if they fail to provide any comfort or safety? The infant/adult will have a conflicting fight with their attachment system and defense system and it never is really resolved.

  “This attachment behaviour has been demonstrated in 80% of maltreated infants (Carlson et al 1998) and is a statistically significant predictor of both dissociative disorders (Carlson et al 1998; Liotti 1992) and aggressive behaviour (Lyons-Ruth & Jacobvitz 1999).”

How this plays out particularly in the therapeutic relationship

Past relational trauma understandably leads clients to have great difficulty utilizing relationships for interactive regulation.  Traumatised clients have a desperate need to form a trusting relationship but their fears and suspicions learned from their trauma inhibit this and the client feels somewhat unable to engage in adaptive relational behaviour.  The client may be stuck trying to see the therapist as safe and reliable but their history constantly reminding them of otherwise.  One of the first tasks of therapy is to strengthen the social engagement system to help clients overcome the phobia of attachment to the therapist.  What I find is that even when you feel this phobia of attachment is overcome, like my other phobias, it comes back thick and fast and sweeps you off its feet.  Overcoming phobias seems to be a life-long process. 

What the therapist can do to help

The therapist almost has to play the role of an initial caregiver to make up for the caregiver that failed the infant so dramatically in the past.  The therapist needs to stay tuned in with the client to attempt to keep the client within their window of tolerance so that any ground covered in the therapy hour is ground that can be integrated into the person.  Re-traumatising the client and then dropping them to self soothe themselves is an exact replica of the abusers actions. 

It takes a therapist good at tracking to be able to determine if the client needs help to down-regulate hyper-arousal or counteract the numbing from hypo-arousal.  Though, thinking personally, my therapist and I will sometimes leave a session with me in a hypo-aroused state (trance-y).  This I don’t mind.  If I had to leave every session in an optimum state of arousal I fear the sessions would go on for a very long time.  At this point in therapy, my hypo-arousal is a coping mechanism and one that I am happy to keep on using, as long as I am oriented enough to know and feel comfortable that I need to drive home safely!

Eventually, the client can begin to track their own levels of arousal and employ their own techniques to stay within their optimum level.  This is especially important for the days/nights when the client is not sat in front of the therapist.  Dependency on the therapist to keep themselves regulated is not going to be a good long-term solution.  However, the complication in DID systems is that with each alter at different ages, as my own therapist keeps pointing out to me, they will be at different levels of maturity and have differing abilities to self-regulate.  For example, I do not reach out to Wolf every single time I feel in crisis.  However, if Kerry is in the body, she does.  She simply has no idea how to self soothe herself, understandably.  So the therapist may need to teach each alter separately and go through this lesson multiple times. 

As the therapist continues to display characteristics of a safe and secure caregiver that the client has never had, they can  be awarded with an “earned secure attachment”.   This can be the first secure attachment the client has ever experienced. 

Of course the client has a huge part to play in this process.  For the client it is about recognising the behaviours that highlight the damaged attachment style.  Being aware when they are trying to pull the therapist/partner/friend in and push them away at the same time or simultaneously.  Being aware where this pattern of behaviour originated and acknowledging that reality is different now.   Of course it is going to be a very long hard process.  I can only imagine though, that interpersonal relationships will be much more fulfilling and less chaotic for those who can adopt a secure attachment style. 

Another important point that I want to simply reflect on is that different members of a DID system may have different attachment styles.  For instance, I wouldn’t put Poppy down as having a disorganised/disoriented attachment style. 

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