To put it bluntly, today has been A Very Shit Day.  My brain melted somewhat and texts have been sent to Cat but with no distinct author; telling her to go away and come here at exactly the same time.  We were being triggered left right and centre by car doors slamming and people next door showering and other perfectly innocent things.  And then I read a post with someone threatening suicide and it just threw up far too much stuff for my already melting brain to handle.  I can’t remember where the afternoon went but I think I was sleeping.  I think.

Luckily Cat has been very close by in text message form all day.  In between falling down the stairs and standing on drawing pins she has been Right There and that has helped immensely.  After all, if I tell someone to go away the best thing to do is emotionally come closer to me, that is just the way my brain works.  As long as I have THAT sort of attachment to you anyway.  Yeah, confusing.

But I was thrown into a bit of a guilty panicked state of I-already-made-my-mother-threaten-suicide-once-and-undoubtedly-I’ve-done-it-again.  Still, yes STILL I carry around the responsibility of my mothers life/death and even though I can recognise her blaming her suicidal ideation on me is disgusting behaviour, parts of me still believe it to be true.  I DID force her to the edge of the cliff with my words.  I did.  I MADE HER DISAPPEAR FOR 48 HOURS, no one else.  Me.  It is beside the point that it was her choice to find and read my personal diary where I wrote about the abuse she had done over the years.

Really I should be reeling in the fact that she dared to give the ultimate threat to keep me silent: speak and I will kill myself.  So much so my sister said the same thing: speak and our mother will kill herself.  A few months later I “spoke” through the silence of estrangement.  It is hard to hold onto the disgusting manipulative truth and not turn it on myself.

If my mother dies I will blame it on me.  BECAUSE SHE TOLD ME TO.  Through physical illness or suicide.  She told me over and over again, it will be my fault.

And THAT is NEVER a burden to give your offspring.  WHATEVER the situation.

But at least I can be angry about it.  At least a little.  Anger is a constructive emotion vs. guilt which is purely destructive.