A good friend wrote: the worst thing about mental illness is that everyone eventually gets sick of your problem and stops caring about it completely.
I couldn’t agree with this more right now. It is happening in my (offline) life as we speak and if it wasn’t for my online friends and my therapist I would be fighting through the complexities of all this alone.
When I first started being open about the DID and showing people (offline) my blog I had quite a few people talk to me about it and act as if they care and want to be there. Now I have gone back to hiding my blog from everyone offline because I feel ashamed that I am still having problems and going through this shit. (Nicky, please don’t think I’m including you in this generalisation- you have remained by my side and I thank you for that).
I write this blog as a way of letting those closest to me know what is going on. But I miss the feedback and the support I used to get from said people. I miss those closest to me being involved and helping me work out this puzzle. I feel like this part of my life now is unwanted and has been tossed away and that is a shame because this part of my life is ALL my life right now.
And I am becoming quite dependent on my therapist because she is the only one who has remained interested. No longer am I randomly texting those closest to me saying ‘you won’t believe what Benny just shouted inside’. It is my therapist I am texting that to now. Because it feels like no one else is interested. No one else cares. And I don’t know if it’s fair me feeling this way – but it’s the way I feel and I will not allow anyone to tell me the way I feel is wrong.
I know that DID is complex, overwhelming, all encompassing, repetitive, difficult, time consuming, energy zapping though. Perhaps if I could just brush it to one side I would too.