Another fucking difficult day. And excuse the swearing but I am, to quote Anastacia, sick and tired of being sick and tired. Between my poor housemate being physically very poorly all weekend and me being emotionally poorly all weekend you should see the state of the flat. It is angering both of us that it is in such a tip and neither of us feel as if we can do anything about it. Poor Raggy hasn’t had a walk this weekend either. Everything and everyone has just flumped.
With Cat going on holiday in just over a week I think we were hoping to contain things but that hasn’t really happened this weekend. Things have been coming up within us that have literally left me struggling to stay upright with its heaviness.
**Trigger warning: child abuse**
The first thing to come up was I was introduced to someone who MAY be another alter, but I am holding judgement. This child goes by the name of Gypsy and has been horribly physically abused. She wears rag-like clothes and has a dirty round face. And that is all I know.
The second thing to come up is I had a flash(back?) of a very disturbing incident of child sexual abuse. The actions were very detailed. I could see everything that was going on and relayed it to Cat in as much detail as I could bear. The only thing I couldn’t see was who the man was. My tunnel vision onto the incident didn’t stretch up to his face. I just ‘knew’ he was an old man. Jury is out on what this incident is from but all Cat said was; it is clear you have been traumatised from all angles at such a young age. What she isn’t saying is that the child being abused is me, or at least part of me. What she is saying is that perhaps this is a scene I witnessed, or it was an ‘acting scene’; something I was led to believe happened at the time.
She is asking me to respect the part of me that has thrown this much up and not try and push for more and try to make sense of it all. She has asked me to give the fragment to her to hold and then try to keep myself as distracted as possible. Easy to say but when it is something replaying in your head over and over and over again, when you are left wondering if you just have a very sick imagination, when there is actual physical pain in your body as you try to carry this around… it is hard to do. I feel like I have had the rug pulled out from underneath my feet and I am struggling, really struggling, to stay contained.
Everything is upsetting me this weekend. Everything. Watching ‘the hangover’ with my housemate yesterday my eyes welled up with tears at the end when they finally found their friend. This film is a comedy for gods sake. I’ve been triggered by Cat because on the phone she said: “I’d better go now” and that threw up all sorts of fear and guilt that I am wanting/needing too much from her and I have been a naughty child in pushing for it. I feel like I’ve had a couple of layers of my skin taken off me and now everything is just hurting me that much more.
–From a very worn down and slightly exasperated Bourbon